Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Gratitude Girl

I believe that we all go through whatever we go through - to get to where we need to be.
Over the past several years, after losing my creative self for nearly 30 years...I rediscovered my art self, my creativity. I found my passion in mixed media art. I started my blog and opened my etsy shop and moved forward toward a life of art. But these same several years were some of the toughest of my lifetime.

For 15 years - from 1994 until 2009 I was a residential real estate broker in Maine. Real estate was very good to me for many years. Everybody knows what happened to real estate after 2007.  As the market really began to slow down, my income began to dwindle. By 2008, as real estate and the economy imploded, I had taken on a full time and a part time job, while still trying to maintain a real estate career part time. By 2009 I took a different full time job that took up all my free time, and I stopped working real estate altogether by mid-year.

Throughout all this time my goal was just to keep an income coming in to pay my mortgage, and my business loans and simply 'get by'. Eventually I could not keep up. Although I was working my rear end off - I couldn't make up for an income that had dropped by more than half of what it had been. I didn't have lots of credit card debt, and I hadn't spent my home's equity...but I couldn't stay current on my mortgage, my business debt, and monthly living expenses. I was sinking.

In spring of 2011 my home was foreclosed on. Going through foreclosure and bankruptcy is a very public thing. Everybody sees your life. The advertisement to sell your home goes in the local paper, along with your name. Feelings of regret over past decisions, feelings of fear moving forward. Feelings of failure.

I limped along for another year - working hard - waiting on tables, and trying to get back in balance.  In summer of 2012 -  I went through bankruptcy to clear out all that debt so it wouldn't be hanging over me for years and years.  Bankruptcy is meant to be a fresh start, and it is - but to me it felt like the final stamp on my financial failure. Starting from zero at 55 years old. Me, my car, an apartment and a weekly income from a waitressing job. No retirement. No health insurance. No savings.

This story is a rather quick synopsis of the past 4-5 years that doesn't include many painful moments. Moments of pacing the floor at 3AM worrying about how I was going to get through the next few days. Moments lying awake thoughout the night worrying about bills, and finally falling asleep around 4am only to get up and go to work at 8.  Moments with my head on my desk in my office at 9-o-clock at night, after everybody else had gone home...sobbing uncontrollably. Moments (very long moments) on the phone with the bank and local businesses to whom I owed money. Local business owners who I would see regularly in a small town of 3000. Moments of anxiety, guilt, embarassment, exhaustion.

So here I am in spring of 2013 on the other side of it all. My business is gone, my home is gone, and now, after filing for bankruptcy - the debt is gone.

A new job with benefits. Although the money was better waiting tables, my new job at a senior living community offers me health insurance, which I haven't had for years. Like so many other americans I am living paycheck to paycheck. Trying to make it to the end of the month.

So what have I learned throughout all of this?

I've learned a lot about me. I'm not a victim. I take responsibility for every decision I made. All of it - the good and the bad.

I've learned how strong I am. I've learned how positive I am.

I've learned what a wonderful man I have in my life. John was there through it all. Holding me while I cried at night. Letting me talk through the tough parts. Helping me to look on the bright side. Making me laugh.

I've learned to stay focused on what's really important.

As hard as it was... losing my house was not a tragedy. Losing someone you love is a tragedy...a house is just a house after all. (Can you believe this is a former real estate broker speaking?) This is something that I had to keep reminding myself over and over. Regardless of how much I may have loved it..it was just a house. There will be other houses someday.

I've learned about gratitude. I'm grateful for my good health, the health and happiness of my children, and John. I'm grateful for my strength, my mind, my heart, my spirit. I'm grateful for my ability to persevere and to always look for the good things. I'm grateful for the opportunities that continue to come my way. I'm grateful that I have rediscovered art and creativity in my life (see my first blog Me and Paper). This was my journey. This was just one journey of many journeys in my life.

So here I am. I'm ok. I'm better than ok. There's something very valuable in learning to live simply... to live with less. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and through it all...I'm still grateful for all the blessings in my life. I believe I'm where I need to be right now. I'm listening to the whispers of life... I'm creating art. I'm writing my posts. I'm learning to follow my passion. And the journey continues.

As I greet each day I remind myself that every day is a gift.
And I like to remember this quote by Tom Hanks as 'Chuck Noland' in Castaway as he stood at the crossroads at the end of the movie.

"I know what I gotta do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide will bring?"


This is one of my 'Gratitude Girls', you can find others in my ETSY shop 'creekart'.







 

2 comments:

  1. It's awesome that you're able to see the good stuff in things such as bankruptcy. A lot of people will see bankruptcy as the end, but you see it as a start. With the right track, you may be able to recoup everything that you've lost and even make more than the last time. You could restart your business and even own your own home. All it takes is for you to start making it happen. Have a good day!
    Cameron Scott @ ImmediateCapital.com

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  2. I feel you. It can be a bit embarrassing and depressing to declare your financial condition. Others might even be rude and judge you for that. However, it’s way better to file for bankruptcy than find yourself buried with such a heavy financial burden. It only shows bravery on your part in facing any kind of struggle that you have in front of you. I do hope you are doing well now.

    Stanley Erickson @ Bankruptcy Happens

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