who am i...

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.

I have just started reading some of her books. And I really love this quote of hers. I find that I need to read and re-read this quote when I find myself 'shrinking'. Shrinking is when I allow myself to feel 'less than' all that I know I truly am. I fall into this exact pattern of thinking that she is speaking about....

...who am I to think that I have anything to say that the rest of the world wants to hear? why would I believe that I am an artist? It's unrealistic to hope that I could make a living doing what I love to do? 
These are the persistent little gremlins that hide within our most vulnerable places, and sneak out to demand attention when we are feeling defeated, or exhausted, or just low-energy.

In the past few months I have, for the first time in my life really,...begun to call myself an artist, begun to share myself and my artwork,...begun to dream that this can become something. Believe that art and creativity could become my way of life.

Very often - when I speak my ideas out loud, to John, or to my daughter Sara, or anybody really - I feel immediately....
what's the word...? Not 'insecure', not even 'self-doubting' really - it's more of an 'unworthiness'.
Where does that come from? I truly feel that I am a confident, smart, capable and talented woman. So where the hell does that come from? Why would I not be just as 'worthy' as anybody else?

I am of course. Worthy. So are you - we all are. So why do these little gremlins still thrive from time to time. Why do we occasionally feed them so that they stay alive?

I think I need to paint that quote on something large...like a wall. Where I'll read it often.

So - here's to letting our lights shine! (and starving the gremlins!)



 

The other day I was thinking and remembering some of the art-sy and craft-sy kinds of things that I did when I was young. Some I stuck with, some I tried and then got bored. The more I thought about it - the more I remembered...I was kind of amazed at all the different mediums I had played with.

It started with just paper (see my first post 'me and paper'). I would draw with crayons, and sometimes used stencils (numbers and letters) that my father brought home from the mill. I remember getting 'paint by number' oil painting kits for Christmas. Not a lot of creativity in these - however they do teach about painting composition, and working with oil paint.

Here's a bunch of other art/craft stuff I enjoyed -
made my own candles
had an 'Artex' (remember these?) fabric painting set
linoleum art block carving (Speedball Brand stuff)
taught myself to macrame belts and bracelets (hey..it was the 70's!)
my mother taught me to knit and to crochet.
Learned to sew -(starting in 7th grade most girl's took 'Home Economics' - half the school year was cooking and half the school year was sewing.) LOVED learning to sew and really took to it. I continued to make a lot of my own clothes right through high school. Took apart my old jeans and turned them into purses, skirts, pillows etc. Cut up plain, crew neck wool sweaters, shortened the sleeves, added buttons down the front and made cute new tops out of them. Made clothes for my Barbies.
Made detailed Christmas ornaments from homemade salt dough.
Wrote (awful) poetry, in my journals and did lots of drawings in those as well.
Worked with clay.
Pressed flowers in glass.
Used paper and cardboard to create houses and whole villages for the tiny dolls my little sister and I loved called "Little Kiddles". (Gosh we loved those dolls!)
Always made my own greeting cards, invitations etc.
Worked with oil pastels. Charcoal pencils. And lots and lots of markers.

I think there are probably even more.
All these creative endeavors that I was interested in...I can't believe that I let that part of myself go away for years and years. I feel like my truest, most real self when I am creating and I know it's here to stay now.

Here is one of my latest - showing the painting... (appropriately titled - 'Follow Your Heart')
                                                        'in progress' and then finished.

 

 

 

 





 Original and prints available on ETSY.

 

The One Who Stayed...

A lot of my art is about women. Sometimes I call my paintings 'girlies', gratitude girls, sister souls etc.  I am one of six sisters - thus the 'girl' thing. But I am also one of 8 children. We were six girls and two boys. I say 'were' because, when I was 11 years old we lost my brother Robert. He committed suicide by shooting himself. He was 18.

Having a tragedy like that in your family leaves all kinds of residue.  Incredible loss and grief. Shock. Hurt. Anger. Confusion. Questions. Shame.

I only have a handful of memories of my brother Robert. I wish I had more memories. I wish I had more of an opportunity to know him. I wish he had stayed around.
But this post isn't about the brother I lost. This is about the brother who stayed.
My brother Terry.

Terry is 3 years and few months older than me. As a family we have always been close. We lost our Dad back in 1996 and our mother more recently in 2010. Shortly after we lost my mother - Terry found he had a need to confide in us (his sisters) about of lot of things he had kept tucked inside for years.

So there was our family in 1968 - four older girls all married with families. Two young girls - myself just 11 and my little sister only 8. And there was Terry. 16 years old. The only boy now. What Terry revealed to us, what none of us had seen...in the midst of everyone else's grief and sorrow - another horrible thing happened. Terry got overlooked. Nobody took care of him.

We six girls all lost 'one' of our brothers that day. My parents lost one of their sons.
Terry lost his only brother.

Looking back now, I see... a teenager - busy with sports, his own friends, a girlfriend. He probably seemed fine..(did anybody ask?) I had my little sister, and together we had the blessing of youthful ignorance - the ability to forget (sort of) what had happened - to move through each day selfishly concerned only with ourselves and the moments of our day. The older girls each had their own families, and were concerned about how my parents were doing. Terry was suddenly alone.

As Terry opened up to us recently ... he told us he felt like he disappeared back then. His whole life changed. A door slammed.
My parents were absorbed in their own grief. I can't imagine how they got through each day. How they were able to think about much else. I know that my mother became zombie-like for a time. She admitted in later years that she was using pills the doctor gave her to get through the day - until she felt that she was using them too much.   My father used it as a reason to drink too much. Basically their attention was elsewhere - and in no time Terry was off to college and married.

I feel so sad that he was alone at that time. It makes me sad to hear him say he disappeared. That time in his life took a huge toll on him that stayed with him for years. The details are his own story. Not for me to share here. What I do want to share here is the fact that I am so glad that he opened up to us. That he was able to talk to all of us, and tell us how he felt...how he feels. I hope that will continue. He is a wonderful man. Smart and funny, a great dad and grandfather. A really good person.

Mostly I am so incredibly thankful to have my brother in my life. To have this brother. The one who didn't disappear. The one who stayed.

 

Women

Today is International Womens Day. So much of my artwork involves women. I love to draw women and 'girlies'. There are many, many wonderful people in my life...men and women, but today is a day to celebrate the sisterhood of women on this earth. There are parts of the world where it is very hard to be a woman - dangerous to be a woman. Take a moment to send a prayer of love and strength out into the universe. It will find it's way to those who need it.

Here's an unfinished piece - I think she is very strong...

International Women's Day - be thankful for the strong women in your life!

all about the hair!

I really have fun playing with hair in lots of my art pieces. Sometimes I draw the faces/heads without any hair..and then I cut out different 'hair pieces' from decorative papers, and try them on the different girls to see where they fit - as I did in the piece with the six girls in it. This was so much fun! Once I had drawn a bunch of different 'hairstyles' and cut them  out - I kept trying them on all the different girls, until I decided who looked best in which one. It was like playing with paper dolls! And then I pasted them on and continued with the artwork.

and sometimes I draw/paint the hair directly on to each 'girlie'  - like so...

I like to put things in the hair too. Really enjoying this lately - am going to do some more of these. This one with the purple hair isn't done yet - I need to do a background for her.

Ladies - whether you do artwork or not. I'm sure you agree..
some days it's just 'all about the hair'!

www....World Wide Web

I've spent a lot of time surfing around internet sites gathering information on how best to get good image reproduction of my artwork, and then how to turn that digital image into good quality prints. I can't just take a picture of my artwork with my camera and then print that out on my inkjet. That would be a crappy quality print. I need to have high resolution images, taken in good light, preferably on a high res. scanner etc. etc. The prints are made with a printing process called giclée . (Fancy sounding word that means fine art print.) Basically more detailed ink colors, and archival quality to the ink (meaning fade resistant over years), on archival paper.

OK - boring, boring, I know. Long story short - I had to take my artwork to a photographer in Portland ME, - who created the digital images and put them on a disk for me, and then I had to send those images out to another company that could create the giclée prints for me. Not an inexpensive way to go!

In all my searching and surfing around online, I stumbled upon a photography website which just happens to be my neighbor - as in, the house right next door. I know the neighbors casually, we talk sometimes (when there's not two feet of snow on the ground and humans and animals are actually able to venture outside - you know...summer.)

(By the way - does everybody know the names of the four seasons in Maine?  They are...1.Almost winter, 2. Winter, 3. Still winter...and 4. Road Construction!
If you don't get the joke - you either don't live in Maine, or haven't traveled on Maine roads in summer!)

Back to my story...So my neighbor is a photographer! I reached out to her on email and told her about my art and needs for image reproduction. We both found it so funny that we live right next to each other, and had no idea about each other's online endeavors. We are going to get together soon. Perhaps I can use her expertise, instead of taking my artwork to Portland to get the digital images I need. (Also - Sara (my daughter) is getting married next year - and will be looking for a photographer!). I'm looking forward to getting together with my neighbor and seeing her studio and talking 'print reproduction!'

It's funny that while searching the 'world wide web' - I ended up on my own street about 200 yards away!

why 'papermill girl'?

Wow - what a week!  I've had so many visitors to my blog, and to my etsy shop, and forwarding my info on facebook - thank you everybody. (Thank you especially Nancy for your generosity). If you are wondering why I call myself 'papermill girl' - you can go back and read my very first blog post here, where I explain about the early connection I have with paper, and feeling creative.

Also - am trying, today, to add the link to my etsy shop right here on my blog page. I'm sure its easy to do - but this is all new to me - so give me a minute (or a few hours, or half a day) to get that done.

Is anybody out there a real techie, internet savvy, nerd helpful person? If so I'd love to hear anything you have to say about how I am going about this new venture. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? What else should I be doing? I am open to any comments.

As far as that goes - anybody can comment on any of my posts. Just click the comment button at the bottom of each post. 

Got my digital images

Real quick post...

Here are some of my (professionally reproduced) images of my original works.

I should have these available as prints on Etsy soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you like?  Leave me a message...

that's all for now! Bye

 

 



 

Learning

I've been working on some new art, while trying to figure out how to finally get good print reproductions of some of my pieces so that I can put some prints for sale on Etsy. I have found a few places that can reproduce my artwork, and then give me the digital image on disk. I've found (I think) the right place, or at least 'a' place to start.

So off I go to Portland, (ME) to drop off six of my canvas originals. They will scan and/or photograph the artwork and I will get my digitalized versions on a disc. Then I can upload them so that I can make prints. Sounds easy. Took me awhile to get to this point, and I can see that this is going to get expensive quickly. ($30 for photographed reproductions, and $3 each scanned item). Then I still need to get prints made on appropriate paper, and put them into mats. Long term -  I need to buy my own scanner and photoprinter to made good, economical prints for resale. That's step two.
For now - step one - get some prints made, at whatever cost, and get them up on Etsy for sale, along with some original canvases

All this and I don't even know if anybody will want my stuff. Does anybody like it? Is anybody out there? I'm sure you are, and I hope I can find a market for my creations - I just need to get a little further along this path of creating, blogging, linking and learning.

Got back from Portland just hours before the snow started ( I think they are calling it the Blizzard of 2013). This is what our back door looked like the next morning. That's the door handle there that the snow is up to, and our gas grill outside -


 - and it continued to snow all day! Winter in Maine - glad I've got plenty of stuff to do indoors!

Dreams

Last night I dreamed that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. It was very real - I mean, I won't go into detail but I 'saw' and 'felt' everything. Now keep in mind - I am 55 years old...so this dream has absolutely NO basis in anything real as far as actually having babies goes.

But what was I giving birth to? I woke up wondering about that. I have spent lots of time lately reading and rereading my Flying Lessons, e-book by Kelly Rae Roberts. Among all the other great, useful inspiration and information that she gives, Kelly also, throughout the book, encourages us to 'listen to the whispers', pay attention to all the small nudges, connections and coincidences that life seems to present to us. Life is hoping we'll notice. Signs are everywhere if we want to pay attention.

Shortly after I got up this morning, my fiance, John, asked me,(out of the blue) if I ever wanted to consider another business... - what would it be? This was not an odd question for him to be considering. Both of our 'career paths' have been in flux for the past year or more.  Not a real comfortable spot to be in in your 50's and 60s'.

I didn't have to think much for an answer. I do have a 'dream business' in my head. I've spoken it out loud, only to my daughter, nobody else. Why am I afraid to speak my dreams out loud? Fearful that they will sound silly, impractical, undo-able? I am starting to realize that if I don't give voice to my desires I will never give them any vehicle, any starting point. So I answered John.

"I would love to have a place where visitor's, clients/customers can come to relax and enjoy themselves, and perhaps to create art. In my head it looks like an old farmhouse with some land, with a lake or the ocean nearby. Several separate little cabins, or perhaps a 'bunkhouse' and a barn. Creative souls could come to the coast of Maine to stay in a cabin. Go to the beach. Swim in a deep Maine Lake. Go on group excursions to antiquing and 'junk' outings. Shop in our delightful coastal villages. Enjoy all Maine has to offer.

In the barn, (which has been transformed into several creative spaces) they can attend workshops for all sorts of art and creative pursuits. Painting, mixed media art, jewelry and metal work, sewing, working with fabrics, paper, books, perhaps even ceramics. There would be guest teachers invited (and paid) to teach these classes, (I don't want to teach them!). Local artists/artisans could also rent out studio space on a permanent or semi-permanent basis throughout the year.

And of course we would have a gallery / gift shop for artists to sell their work. Perhaps have gala/gallery events at times throughout the year. The venue and creative aspect could lend itself to business retreats. Perhaps the barn would be so fabulous that it might be used as a wedding venue on occasion?

This place would be operated and managed by myself, John(?), my daughter Sara, and perhaps her (soon to be husband) Stan. (John, Stan - can you become part of this? Someone has to maintain the buildings, take care of the grounds, keep everything updated and running? ok - we'll see).

My true dream is to have the time I need, and the space to create art. Hopefully art that people will love, and want to buy, so that I can support myself in this. So maybe the detailed dream above is too much. Sounds like fun but...maybe I don't want to have all that going on?
It's good to dream. Anything can happen. So...we'll see, won't we?

Finding My Way

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. I have been creating art and also trying to learn as much as I can about how to promote my art and myself. Been trying to learn more about the world of blogging. How to create good prints of my artwork. More ins and outs of Etsy. And lots more.

I recently was thrilled to receive as a gift, (from my fiance) Flying Lessons e-course by Kelly Rae Roberts, and have been poring over all the pages of fascinating, encouraging and uplifting information. This was just what I needed. Now I am committed to posting to my blog on a regular basis. Not sure exactly what a 'regular basis' will look like, but it will be a lot more often than once in two years!! Hopefully every week or so. I am also committed to getting prints of my artwork made, and getting everything up on Etsy within the next month. And keep creating of course and going forward from there.
All this takes time and with two jobs I don't have a lot of time - but I'm going to figure it out.


On a separate subject, my daughter became engaged over the holidays and a few weeks later I decided to start another blog (crazy?) where I plan to chronicle our mother-daughter journey toward the wedding day. There's so much to do and plan and choices to make. And in so many ways it ties in directly with the creative side in both of us, I know there will be so many memories made along the way. I am already feeling - excited, worried, overwhelmed, delighted etc.
Pop over and take a peek at the beginnings of  Sara's Wedding.

Here are a few of some of my recent canvases, I hope you enjoy them!

So there's a little bit of my stuff. I hope you like them. Leave me a message and let me know what you think. And I am so grateful for my life. For the chance to put my art out there. For the chance to pursue my passion. And grateful for all the good things that lie ahead of me. They are waiting for me - already there in my path.

Where I Am Now

This is my new life. I am a server (waitress) at a restaurant. I am 53 years old, and now I am a waitress. Sounds awful - but ...I actually love it. I love the work, I love the people I work with. I love working at a restaurant at the water's edge on the coast of Maine.
Let me back up a bit. I had a career as a real estate broker for 16 years. In the past three years, as real estate self-destructed, and our country did a lot of financial self-destructing...my real estate career and income did the same.
So I tried some different avenues. I worked in home health care for a few years to keep an income coming in, while looking for a new career. I got out of real estate completely, and after a home health care job ended - I was unemployed for nearly 8 months. Then I began working as a waittress.
In contrast to being a real estate broker - I get paid each day for the work I do. I go home everyday with cash in my pockets, and nobody calls me at home in the evening to complain about their real estate problems.

Throughout these trying times I luckily rediscovered my creative self.

So this is where I am now. I work at the restaurant so that I can come home and work in my studio and create art and try to create a career through art. I just opened my ETSY shop, and have begun to put a few of my works up for sale.

We'll see where this path takes me. It feels right. It feels like the most genuine thing I can be doing. It feels like I am following my heart and my passion, and that can't be wrong.

This is Where I AM Now.

FINDING THE TIME

That's the hardest part isn't it? I mean, once I'm in my studio..the ideas are flowing (most of the time), the paints are moving, the paper is being cut and pasted, backgrounds created, layers added on, colors chosen, and art happens. Time flies by when I am creating in my studio. But getting there...? That's another story.

I work a varied schedule, sometimes days, sometimes evenings, sometimes both. When I have time off, it's just like all of you, I'm sure... there are meals to prepare, laundry to do, grocery shopping, errands, banking, bills, cleaning, dishes to do, dogs need walking...etc. I can easily look at the block of time I've got before me and decide that I've got time to do all of the above - but no time to get into the studio. And I like to get everything else done first, so that I can relax in the studio. Often I get everything else done and find there's no time left. So what's the solution?

Does anyone else out there find it very hard to create when you have small amounts of time? Like if I have only two hours to devote to studio time - I can't always get going. I get in there, get some ideas, start to get out paints and canvases...it seems like I just get into it and have wet brushes and wet paints, and sticky gel medium everywhere and in no time its time to stop. I've got to leave time to pick up a little. I don't want to leave my good brushes soaking in water for days...who knows when I'll get back here? And I find myself at work wondering...did I put the cover back on that new tube of white acrylic I just bought? Ugh!

So..it's a day to day process. My life is very much day to day right now. It's been a pretty tough last two years...won't go into detail right now - but ultimately - it got me to this point in my life. This point where I have a little studio space, I have rediscovered my creative self, and I know what I want to do now.

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to find the time - and then I know the time will find me too.

PS - turn off the television!!! (huge time waster)

Here's a piece I was able to complete last week;

It's called  'Remember Yourself'.


                                               ~Have a Creative Day!~

Me and Paper

Looking back, I realize my creative life began with paper. I grew up in a small New England mill town with two brothers and five sisters. My father worked at the local paper mill and would often bring us home stacks or rolls of paper. It was always such a luxury this fresh clean paper! I loved the feel of it, the weight of it, the smell of it. It held the promise of something and I couldn’t wait to start drawing, cutting, pasting.

Throughout school I loved art class. Loved to draw, sketch, write, and sometimes got in trouble for doodling on my school papers. After high school I started out as an art major at the local community college. But I lost interest in studying art (probably lost interest in ‘study’ period for a time). Later I went to college for business, later still became a wife and mother and my artistic self went into hiding for many years.

Now and then, as years passed, I got out my art supplies and did some drawing or painting, but always put them away again. The idea of time and place for my 'art' self, just wasn't a priority. There was no room anyway in a busy household, and I didn’t think of myself as an artist. I thought of myself as a person who 'used to do' art things.

So here I am now. Mother of two post-college children, with a home and a job and all the stuff that turns days into months and months into years. And then, not long ago, something happened which brought me back to my creative self.

My daughter came home for Christmas vacation her last year of college. She brought with her a big stack of scrapbook paper. In between studying for exams she and her friends had taught themselves to fold origami boxes and Christmas ornaments. She didn’t have much money to spend on Christmas presents and so decided to give handmade ornaments instead. She came home with a paper cutter and a lovely stack of paper and showed me how to fold ornaments and boxes. It was so much fun. I couldn’t stop making them. There were so many different designs and ways to make the boxes different sizes, each one coming out like a perfect little piece of art! I went crazy – I was making boxes every spare moment. I had no idea what I was going to do with them all, but kept making them. It felt creative, relaxing.

And just like that, paper brought me back to my creative self. Paper and the serendipity that my daughter brought to me. I soon found myself in the bookstore looking for books on variations on paper box making. In the same aisle I found books on making altered books which really intrigued me. And then books on collage. And then mixed media art. And then art journaling. I started looking through art and fabric stores for ideas. I bought gel pens, empty journal books, watercolor paints. I bought stamps and stamp pads, acrylic paints, more paper and some canvases. I began to sketch and draw. I read everything I could. I jotted down ideas in my journal. I found the magazine Cloth, Paper, Scissors and Studios. And then all the other Stampington mags. I found websites of other artists. I bought some instructional videos on art techniques. I discovered water soluble crayons! (how yummy are these to play with?) Creativity and art came back full force into my life.

I had no permanent space to do my art yet – so there was lots of getting out and putting away. But little by little I continued to find my way back to creativeness, back to art, and back to myself. I became determined that art, my art, was going to be a consistent part of my life now. I need to find the time and I will create the space.

                                                                   My studio

And now I have. And so my art journey begins (again).